How to break generational parenting patterns
I’ll never forget a video recording that was taken at my mothers baby shower for me, many years ago. My aunt went around asking everyone who attended the shower for their best piece of parenting advice. When the camera got to my grandfather, he said “To take with you what your parents did well at, and leave what they failed at in the past.” This has stuck with me and forever will.
As parents, we just want to do what is best for our kids. Providing and keeping our kids out of harm’s way are our natural instincts. Sure, our kids may turn into teenagers and begin to hate us for having the unconditional love we have for them, but that’s the job, right? There are many different parenting styles out there, but at the end of the day, not a single one of us is the same. We each come from different backgrounds, hold different stories, and make decisions based on our past experiences. It’s what makes us unique from one another. Our parenting struggles, much of the time, relate to the same struggles our parents encountered when we were kids. And often, their struggles came from generations before them. What were your parents like? Do you notice any similarities in how you parent your children? More likely than not, you do. It doesn’t mean our parents were bad parents, but it gives us room to make improvements.
Mindfulness matters in parenting. It acts as our way out of these consistent generational cycles. Mindfulness allows us to become aware of our flaws which creates the space to continue to grow from them. Mindfulness is the capacity for awareness, focused attention, nonreactivity, and nonjudgmental acceptance of the present moment. In parenting, this can be an incredibly influential process. Easy? No, not at all. If we are determined to make lasting changes in our parenting styles, that requires consistency and the ability to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Reflecting on our childhood and relating our own parenting practices to the generational patterns that date back generations, can be painful. However, if we truly want to be the parent our children deserve, we go back to the idea of providing and keeping our kids out of harms way. Going from a reactive parent to a responsive parent requires a parent to do the inner work within themselves. Recognizing when you feel triggered, why you feel triggered, and how you typically respond when your triggers arise, is the first step to discovering your patterns and taking steps towards breaking them.
What does your life look like if you are able to break your generational cycles? What do your kid’s lives look like? There are a million parenting books out there. However, most parenting books don’t look at the big picture; we are not the same. Mindful parenting is a reflective journey we must go on to begin to see true results and make lasting changes for generations to come. There is not a handbook or “right” way of parenting mindfully. Mindful parenting looks different for every family, based on their history and current dynamic. Mindful parenting is more of a process, rather than a style. I encourage you to begin with the simplicity of awareness. Notice the moments that bring on the emotions of guilt, regret, defeat, and triumph. Reflect on the similarities and patterns that evolve from your findings. Where do they come from? Do you want to do better? If you answered yes, I’m here to tell you that you can. Acknowledging your weakness is the most difficult part. Once you do, the ability to break the cycle is in your hands.